day in the life of me

posted on: Monday, September 12, 2011

you sure, Aibileen?
because i fo sho didn't feel smart last night
remember when i tweeted about watching Grey's Anatomy and calling it studying?
well, my friends, it most-assuredly is NOT.
as evidenced by my idiotic performance on night shift.
i had had the best sleep of my night shift life-span yet, too.
i was energized.
allegedly prepared.

during teaching rounds, i got stupidly easy questions wrong
multiple times
then in answer to a question about a toxidrome that causes loss of control of the ocular muscles,
i--remarkably--answered correctly, and blurted out "strychnine!"
and was so surprised when i was actually right that i told a retired Colonel: "shut your mouth!"
wish i were joking, ya'll.
that's a big military no-no.
it's also a big medicine no-no. 
interns don't tell attendings to shut their mouths.

it was just a rough night.
feeling like an idiot. for the vast majority of it.

and it's been a rough few days.
we're not cooking so there's no good food.
i barely ever see Nick.
somehow, even though i'm barely eating and running around all shift, i'm getting fatter?
miiiight be the beers required to tranquilize me in the morning so i can get some shut-eye
i'm super dehydrated. 
i have no time to drink water, and even less time to pee at work.
also, do you know what i look like when i'm at work?
neither do i. since not-peeing=not-seeing-yourself-in-a-mirror-ever
but i guarantee you it is nothing as good as this:

it's normal. i think.

but then, lo and behold, a patient needed to be intubated tonight
and, to put it bluntly, i rocked that shit.
it was my very first one.
in my medical career.
(most med students have at LEAST intubated somebody in an operating room on an anesthesia rotation or something.)
i was pretty shocked that i nailed it.
(so was everyone else, i'm pretty sure.)
30 minutes later
somebody ELSE needed intubating
and i rocked that shit too.

do i still feel dumb?
do i feel like a dumb rockstar?
am i drinking something alcoholic to try to take the edge off this adrenaline rush so i can sleep?
(i'll curse on this blog. but f-bombs? little harsh.)


  1. I had a convo with friends this weekend about how we felt bad for Dr's and the fact that everyone expects them to be perfect and know everything all the time... it's impossible! so hang in there. you're so smart. you'll be close to perfect soon :) and hey, at least you'll never forget the name of that drug again ;)

  2. whew! deep breath, chica. i'm pumped about Grey's though too... I have to study today and not looking forward to it. Good luck to us both! : )

  3. Excellent words to live by! The Help is definitely an inspiring novel.

  4. Part of me is sympathetic, because now and then, everyone has days in which they suck. And it sucks to suck. But it always gets better! And I'm sure that it will get better for you. Part of me is scared, because my husband's in med school (first year) and I'm a little nervous about residency. Reading your blog helps. It can be done. Thanks!

  5. Awww Emily... I feel for you. This is stressing me out, just reading about it!! But I know you'll get the hang of everything and find a good system that works for you, in both your personal and professional life.

    And make sure you drink that water!!! It's soooo important and really makes a difference in how you feel!

  6. Do you need me to invent a camelback that slides into a white coat? Cause I'll do it.

    Chin up! It does sound terrible, (you're making me kind of glad my husband decided against EM, to be honest...) but I hear it gets better. If it makes you feel better, to put it in perspective your bad day included saving (at least) two peoples' lives. That's pretty rockstar.

  7. i draw the line at f bombs on my blog too.

    i also watch greys and pretend its a text book.

    its what i did through my masters. even though i wasnt studying to be a doctor.

  8. Emily I'm so glad Sarah suggested I follow you I'm loving your blog! I can totally relate to this feeling of inadequacy and in a field like medicine where the knowledge base is endless I feel like that's never going to go away. But I'm so happy you realized you're a freakin rockstar! We're going to have to learn how to celebrate our small successes and learn from our mistakes and move on without beating ourselves up... much easier said then done. Sorry for the long comment but I am just so there with you right now! xoxo

  9. Wonderful quote. I am not in medicine but let me tell you that my first year of teaching I felt dumb half the time...I felt I was failing my students of a quality education...but you know I think that is just how the first year of any job really is...we learn through experience...therefore you just need more experience! :-)

  10. ya'll are all.awesome. thanks for the kind words. hopefully tonight will be a better night!

  11. We all have these moments. But I know you're a rockstar doctor and will continue to rock that shit. Enjoy that beverage!!

  12. this post stressed me out.
    but also made me laugh.
    the best kind, if you ask me.

  13. keep rocking that shit. period.


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