can i be real for a second?
i'm not even sure where to begin.
this is a topic that's been rumbling around in my head for months
i think i followed just enough mommy bloggers to push me right over the edge
kidding. kind of.
once you've been married for more than five minutes,
people start asking you when you're going to be having babies.
this used to piss me off.
Nick and i got married in med school.
and were still busting our humps to get into residency to continue our training.
i got all offended that people would assume that,
after working SO hard
for SO long,
i would just put my career on hold to become june-effing-cleaver.
maybe i felt a little strongly about this.
now we're in residency.
working opposite schedules most of the time.
[example: me: 3pm-11pm him: 6am-6pm]
and while i don't necessarily mind my ease-into-it mornings
where i sleep in until 9 or 10am
then read blogs and study with a cup of coffee in hand
until it's time to go to work
this never-seeing-each-other tends to make marriage somewhat difficult.
(it especially makes baby-making difficult. but that is a discussion for another day.)
and yet people STILL badger me with the baby question.
it's actually a running joke amongst my fellow residents.
they think it's hilarious to ask me--daily--if i'm pregnant.
i get all offended and pissy and "are you calling me fat?!?"
the truth of the matter is,
i would love to have a baby.
i said it.
just because i'm all sciencey and doctory and airforcey
doesn't mean that i don't have a maternal clock that ain't ticking.
but clocks aside, being a mom has always been something i've wanted.
it's a major part of the reason i CHOSE emergency medicine
because it is a specialty that will allow me flexibility in the future
so that i CAN have it all
a career i love
and a family i love.
just not right now.
and that's probably why i get so testy.
i hate it when i can't do something.
i'm a doer. a type A.
when i want shit to happen, i make it happen.
and no matter how much i try to tell myself that i'm CHOOSING
to wait until a better time to have a baby
it still feels like someone is telling me "you can't".
plus there's the fact that it seems everyone around me is having babies.
fellow residents, even.
and pinterest is no help at ALL.
i feel like i'm getting left behind.
like everyone's lives are moving forward,
while i'm still stuck just pursuing my dreams.
as if that were something small...pursuing your dreams.
so please forgive me for my snarky comments about babies and bloggers.
it's really coming from a place of sadness deep within me.
and i'm just now becoming enough of a grown-up to call it what it is.
and thank you, dear blogosphere,
for being a place where people talk about this stuff.