becoming a vampire

posted on: Wednesday, March 7, 2012

I've been pretty bummed out lately.
I confess.

I studied for my inservice exam for weeks and weeks
(the inservice is the way that my residency program gauges whether or not I am a retard. if I don't pass it, I get put on Retard Probation Status until next year's inservice when I'm given a chance to redeem myself.)
(it's not really called Retard Probation Status. I made that up.)
it was pretty miserable.
all that studying.
but everybody said "just get though the gets so much better after that"

and literally the day.after.the.test
I got an email saying that my schedule had been totally changed for the next two months.
instead of working days in the ER for March and April...
I'd be working ER nights in March
and doing Internal Medicine wards in April.


it's really not ALL that bad, working nights.
unless you're married. and your huz works days.
then you never see each other.
and you never get to sleep in your bed at the same time.
not cool, residency. not cool.

but working on the Wards...
now THAT is pure misery.
4 days off. all month long.
12-13hr days. (in the glorious glorious ER, we work 8's)
back into the Lion's Den that is the Internal Medicine department
where they all hate me because I'm from the ER.
it's gross.

I'm aware that I'm whining.
and I realize this is childish and not-very-hooah of me
("hooah" is an Army case you weren't aware. It basically means brave, macho, full of bravado. all things I am not, at the moment)

but I just didn't have any more left in me, ya know?
I placed all my hope in getting through the inservice
and then was just devastated when I learned I had to keep on chugging
mustering more hopes has turned out to be incredibly difficult

I've had some breakdowns.
more than a few.

and now I believe them (whoever "they" are)
when they say that intern year just simply blows
no way around it.

but I'm exhausted.
and burnt out.
and I hate that I can't imagine what having Saturday AND Sunday off every week even feels like anymore.

so if I'm a little saltier and grumpier on the internets in the near future
you now know why.
five freaking weeks of nights.

here we go...


  1. Emily, I am so sorry. I know what it feels like to be burned out and at the end of your rope mentally, emotionally and physically. The only thing I can say is at least you get to save lives and impact lives. My job does no one a damn bit of good. Literally. And most days I think "I should have listened to my A&P prof in high school and done pre-med then med school".

  2. That is just evil! Not cool at all! :'( Good luck with it!

  3. i know my hubby hates working nights too. sleep is just too important to miss out on! hang in there.

  4. So sorry to hear this - I hope March and April fly by for you

  5. it's okay to not be all hoo-ha all of the time. and it's a bummer not to see the hubs... JB literally works until 10pm every night- with a break for dinner, and every single saturday. it's been a change... to say the least. but it helps me to remind myself over and over that THIS IS TEMPORARY. i need that tattooed on me somewhere. it'll all be worth it but it does stink right now.

    hoping you guys get some bed time together somehow someway.

  6. aw this is just awful :( I'm so sorry! You are totally right to be bummed out about -so don't apologize for that. Hope these next few months fly and you're on to a much better schedule (that involves actually hanging out with that person that you decided you wanted to spend the rest of your life with) soon! We're all here for you if you need us - you can be as grumpy as you want :)

  7. *virtual hug*
    sorry buddy. i'm around during the day if you want to Skype vent : )

  8. You're an amazing worker, and maybe x the days on a calendar so you feel some amount of relief each day knowing you're closer to the finish line?

    Also, you look rockin' in Hello, Kitty shirts.

  9. You're an amazing woman, I feel strenght when I'm reading your posts, they are mobilizing. You don't loose your sense of humor, which is great. Hang in there, you get trough this.

  10. Girl, hang in there! It will be over before you know it.. and then you'll get to spend some amazing time with that hubsy of yours!!

  11. It must be so frustrating to have your schedule changed without your permission. I don't blame you one bit for complaining!

  12. gol, good luck with all that. :( It's ok to whine/vent and tell us all about it, if you want.
    I'm interviewing for a nights slot on CVICU and I'm dreading going back to 7p-7a... (I also miss the sleeping-with-your-husband part). It'll be ok though! It's not forever and neither is yours. :)

  13. I can attest to the fact that the 12+ hour shifts suck major. But it isn't for too long and soon enough you'll be back in ED land forever working those 8s. And I always liked the ED residents. Most of them anyway. They listened to my advice! ha. Smart little doctors they were! ;)

  14. Aww hang in there sweet girl. I guess you are just going to have to look to the future and keep in mind why you are working so hard. Hope you get more time with your hubby soon and thinking of you.

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  16. You got this, love! Sorry. I know it is hard to be away from the hubs. You have accomplished so much. You will accomplish so much more. Thinking of you and endlessly motivated by you.

  17. (And in case you were wondering....yes, that was me accidentally leaving an awkward message under nathan's login, saying OH SHIT!, deleting, and re-writing under mine. Sorry!)


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