life has been a bit all over the place lately.
when i start to feel lost in the shuffle,
i always revert back to my family.
|Miss Abby Noel|
|Joe and Abby. swinging. with a vengeance.|
|the facial expression. good God, Joe.|
|we all have to laugh at ourselves.|
|this is how Joe and his fiancé Melissa get around. typically.|
|pretty Annie. can't be bothered with such shenanigans.|
|their swinging put mine to shame.|
|he basically parkoured his way around the playground.|
knowing that i was raised with and by these people
always makes me feel a little more grounded.
oh sibbies. you know i love you so.
i had a rough day at work yesterday. then i got stuck in traffic on my way home because it was pouring cats and dogs. people in San Antonio don't know what to do when the wet stuff falls from the sky. so naturally, when i got home, i picked a fight with Nick. and when that blew over, i picked another one. i don't even know why. the issues seemed so important at the time, but of course, this morning, they seem ridiculous. i don't even have my righteous anger to back me up here in the aftermath.
i know myself well enough to know that i'm usually picking a fight because i'm unhappy...somewhere deep down. unfortunately, i don't know myself well enough to be able to recognize that fact BEFORE i chip away at the good foundations of my marriage. oops. i'll work on that.
if i look back at my past few blog posts, i can sort of see a pattern forming. there's been unhappiness brewing for a while now. which is sort of stupid, i admit. but it is what it is. i think i've been trying to deny it because it seems so unjustified.
i read a post that Nat wrote last night where she was laughing at herself (SO important to be good at that) for writing an entire paragraph about a playground, and wishing that her 2009-self could have known that someday, she who wanted a baby so badly, would be blissfully, ridiculously extolling a playground that she had taken her baby to. she wondered what her future-self would wish her present-self could see now. and she made a point to say that she intended to better enjoy the journey.
i think about my own 2009-self. i was in love with a wonderful man and wondering when the hell he was going to propose already dammit. i was in medical school, starting my third year clinical rotations and feeling like an idiot most of the time (okay so not much has changed there)...dying to match into an Emergency Medicine residency and having the very palpable fear that my grades, my scores, my skills, my personality weren't going to be good enough to make that dream come true. i was living in Chicago, loving the food but hating the cold and wishing desperately to live somewhere warmer (ha. ha. ha. joke's on me, eh?). none of my friends had babies yet, so i didn't really think about babies much. i was working towards a career! i was going to save lives! motherhood be damned! there would be time for that much, much later...said my 25-year-old self.
well that wonderful man finally proposed. then he took me to Italy to marry me in the most beautiful and idyllic location possible.
i graduated from medical school no problem. and--miracle of miracles--i matched into an Emergency Medicine Residency. a military residency training program. that was incredibly competitive. well whaddyaknow i WAS good enough.
i live in San Antonio. which is MUCH warmer than Chicago. (side-eye San Antonio.) it was first presumed to be a culinary wasteland, but turns out, if you look hard enough, there are a few oases in this here desert.
i'm a doctor. i've always wanted to be. and i'm getting sort of good at it. i feel overwhelmed every day. i feel inadequate every day. i feel like everyone else is better at it than me every day. i'm scared i'm going to kill someone...every. day. but i'm learning. and i'm getting there.
and now my friends are having babies. now scoffing at motherhood seems foolhardy. (you're 28! there's a clock! it's ticking!) it's starting to make me feel like maybe i want one too.
so much that i dreamed about in 2009 has now become my reality. plus i have a puppy! but somehow, i still feel like i'm living my life in a such a way that i'm always looking around the corner for what's coming next. and consequently, feeling dissatisfied with where i am right NOW. i'd like to blame pinterest. and blogging. and freaking instagram. them with their double-edged swords: inspiring me in one minute and filling me with envy the next. i get excited when i'm driving to work, wondering just how i'm going to be challenged in that shift...what i'm going to see...what i'll learn. but i get tired of wearing scrubs and nasty doctor shoes while all my pretty pretty clothes hang neglected in my closet. even on my days off i get pouty, because everyone i know in this town is a doctor too, and they're pretty much never off when i am.
so i wallow in my loneliness, comparing my grungy, doctoring life to everyone else's on the internet and making myself feel pretty damn small. it helps to say this out loud. helps me take a step toward being thankful--happy--satisfied--content with exactly where i am today. plus, have i ever made any of you feel small? good God i hope not. but if i have, maybe you'll know i feel small too. and that will help you feel bigger. or at least not so alone in your smallness.
i think my 2009-self would be pissed off at my 2012-self.
you idiot! you got everything you ever wanted and you're STILL dissatisfied?!? wtf.
okay so i still don't have a pair of Louboutins.
something for my 2015-self to strive for...
p.s. remember when i said that i wasn't going to do a list-everything-i'm-thankful-for-to-make-you-jealous post? yeah. um. oops.