on women having it all, part one.

posted on: Tuesday, October 9, 2012

i'm about to get a little deep on ya.
hold on...this could be a bumpy ride.
(how many sexual innuendos can YOU make out of the above sentences?)


i was reading a post yesterday that got me thinking
about working women and motherhood.
--women having it all--
now i know what you're all thinking...
"she's not a mother. what is this? some kind of announcement?"
in a word...no.
but just because we aren't actively trying for a baby
(we practice a lot. but we haven't pulled the goalie ifyouknowwhatimean.)
doesn't mean i don't think about what my life would look like with babies in it.


i've talked about the baby fevah before on this blog
but i didn't really go into any kind of timeline
(and none of you asked about it, God bless you all.)
we still don't have a timeline.
but these are a few of the things that go into the thought process


i'd like to wait till after residency is over to have babies.
having this insane schedule
while being nauseous for weeks
and carrying around an extra 30lbs or so
just sounds incredibly unappealing.
not to mention the fact that i'd have to make up the time i spent on maternity leave
which would delay my graduation date.
not the biggest deterrent.  but a deterrent nonetheless.

so. after residency.
but whose residency?
i finish residency before Nick does.
which means i'll be an attending physician for a whole year before he will
which is cool.
bigger salary. more power. get to throw my power around at home.
(okay that last one...not really.)
but it also means that i'm at the disposal of the Air Force
and they could potentially send me somewhere that isn't San Antonio
which would mean living apart.
not ideal for making babies. or having them. 


then there's the fact that once i'm out of residency
the Air Force will expect me to deploy.
some place where there is lots of sand. 
and no ocean. probably.


as hard as it is for me to imagine deploying
and leaving my husband for months at a time
it's even harder to imagine leaving my babies.
so maybe i should deploy before having babies?


then there's the small little detail that Nick's final year of residency
also known as my first year as an attending
will be the year he has the most free time
free time that he COULD be spending with me
if i weren't in Afghanistan
or someplace equally delightful.


and THEN there's the fact that Nick isn't ready
and that he wants us to be living near family when we have kids
any family. his. mine. doesn't matter.
he grew up having all his aunts/uncles/cousins live in the same town he did
both mom's side and dad's side
raising our family near family is very important to him.
we just can't guarantee that until i'm done with my military service.
but by the time i'm totally out of the military,
i'll be 34.
which is a little scary.


so that's some of what we're dealing with.
it's a lot.
and i have more thoughts about this tomorrow.
but for now...what are yours?
what kinds of things go into your decisions about starting a family?
 or not.

23 comments:

  1. this was insightful. and crazy. I didnt realise you could be deployed?? How did i not know this?? How about i carry and birth the baby, then give it to you when your around? no?

    S and I talk a lot about babies. he wants them. like, yesterday. and im like, fool, we are poor. ok not poor. and the NHS pays for everything out here when it comes to babies, including GIVING the parents money every month for a year. just cuz you had a baby. i know. wtf america. oh and all your appts? the docs and nurses come to YOUR house for them. but i dont want babies out here. i want to have them in states. not because of the medical care..but because im like nick and i want to be by family..and by family i mean MY family. only. we know why. us having babies is pretty much contingent upon him getting a PhD in the USA next year..if thats a go..we will start trying immediately. if its not..it means waiting another year for him to get a greencard, a job, then moving..so we may be having babies together. you and i.

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  2. So, I'm not married yet but I still think about this constantly - and I don't even have big issues like deployment and residency to think about.

    I think, in my head, there's some big giant "READY" signal that my parents generation had.... and this generation just doesn't have it. I don't think there is as much certainty to our lives as I would love to have... and therefore, the decision is even tougher.

    Whenever it happens... you are going to have one heck of a gorgeous kid. Holy cow!!

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  3. Just love that you use "pulling the goalie" I have had a few odd looks when using the term...I always thought that was the nicest way to say it! ha! I mean then again they asked! :) We are having this dilemma as well... we are trying to open a restaurant, and I am just so nervous to add a pregnancy to the stress. I have said the minute we get funding I am good to go (hopefully that is before Jan)... then 2 of my best friends got pregnant like last week, and I am feeling a little like I need to get on it! Then again 31 isn't the oldest... I didn't know you could be deployed as well!

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  4. Thank you for sharing your heart. I am applying to med school this cycle and getting married in December so similar thoughts have been rolling around in my head. I know I want a family some day and so does my fiance but the timing is so hard. Baby in med school? Ummm that'd be interesting. Baby in residency? Funny thought. Waiting until it's all done? But what about "the clock". And not to mention all of this assumes that it'll be an easy process once the goalie is gone, not thinking about the dreaded fertility word. I'll be thinking about you and Nick as you go through this whole process.

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  5. I think many women have to think about this these days. It's something I think about A LOT. My plan was to wait until I finish my Master's (which is this December!). But then I'll just be starting my career. Do I want to go through pregnancy and maternity leave on my brand new job right away? And do I want to keep working after having the baby? I mean, I've worked so hard to get to this point...but what if I don't want to leave my baby during the day? And what about money? Can we even afford for me to quit working? Can we afford day care if I keep working? Lots to think about, and that's not even considering deployment and being a doctor!!! I will say this...I strongly believe God's timing is perfect. If you get pregnant before you feel "ready," He will work it out.

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  6. My husband and I are in the in the infertility phase of making a baby. We've been diagnosed. It's my husband. And it kinda sucks. So I am jealous of your ability to plan. I wish I could plan. I used to say I didn't want to be pregnant in the summer and that I'd avoid certain months of trying so that I wasn't the size of a house during the month of July. But now? Now I don't care when I get pregnant, just as long as I do. Ha! I firmly believe that we can plan, plan, plan...and God will just laugh. I am not the strongest of Christians, but I ultimately believe that God will be the one who decides when the best time it is to begin a family. And from what everyone tells me, there is never THEE perfect time. :)

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  7. first up: i like the sex references in this post... sexy..

    second up: we think about this ALL THE TIME! i would like to travel first, because i know once we have kids there aint no way we are going to europe, or australia, or wherever the hell i feel like going (although, we WILL likely travel with kids in the states- i've already decided to be "that mom on the plane" with a newborn. suck it, world). THen there's our living situation- do i really want to raise kids here? when there isnt much to do? should we get pregnant and have BABIES here, then move somewhere better to raise them? and WHEN should we do it- i'm only 27.. my mom didn't have me until she was 32, so that's been my model for parenthood growing up.. but if i'm 32 when we have kids, justin is 37.. is that too old for a first time dad? even if he will likely act like a child the rest of his "adult" life?

    hence why we don't have kids! bahahahaha

    but shit girl- sandy with NO beach? how dare they. how dare you air force! but, seriously, you have to actually DEPLOY somewhere and pimp out your doctor skills? you can't stay local? you can't just deploy to hawaii? i mean.. wtf air force. W. T. F.


    oh.. i would SO throw my power around (not obnoxiously.. okay, mayyyyyybe obnoxiously)... j/k (;

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  8. holy hell- longest comment ever.

    apologies.

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  9. People are always amazed when they learn my parents are 60, given I'm 22. My mom turned 38 six days after I was born, and was 36 1/2 when she had my sister. The backstory: parents didn't meet until they were 33. My dad was on oil drilling rigs out in the Atlantic until he was 32--which meant no dating since he was back for just a couple of weeks at a time. My mom was in graduate school until she was 31, and eventually made it back to California where they met, got engaged and married when they were 34. My sister was born two years later when finances were better, and I came along two years beyond that.

    I absolutely don't feel I lost anything from having parents that were sometimes 15 years older than my friends'. If anything, my mom brought more to the table in terms of life experience and managing the challenges of parenting better.

    I guess my point is I support women (you, in this case) getting all of their ducks in a row for career, family and location before looking to get kids in the picture. I know I'll have to tackle this question myself, given I'm applying to doctoral programs for more grad school, which will put me at the finish line around 29 or 30. Then I have to consider setting my life up outside of school and that probably won't be quick. If all goes well, I'll be thinking about babies around 32.

    Ease up on the pressure. Have kids when the stars align, there is time.

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  10. I was just wondering if you could be deployed... I'm not crazy about the idea (not that the government is going to ask my opinion). Fingers crossed there are enough Vets state-side that need a good doctor.

    If it were up to me, I'd have a 14 month-old right now. But oddly enough it isn't. :) Most people don't have the problems having a baby that we have experienced, so I am not going to be a Debbie Downer on here. I just loved reading everyone else's comments.

    I'm interested in Part 2. :)

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  11. Your situation is clearly complicated- I do not envy you that! I'm a teacher, so its easier to balance my career with motherhood (or so I think, as I don't have kids yet!) but I think its going to be hard no matter what. Add on to the conversations w/your husband is the outside pressure that starts to kick in. I've endured a year of being quizzed about when I'm going to have kids from random coworkers to friends to even casual acquaintances.

    I've found the whole thing is a frustrating process & no one ever talks about that! Figuring out the timing w/your husband, then fielding well meaning but nosy questions, then dealing with baby fevah as you described it! Just know you're not alone, even if people don't have the same situation. I like to grumble about this topic a lot!

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  12. That really is a lot to juggle! I've been facing some of the same issues lately -- ok, not deployment, but a potential cross-country move, which is a hassle when you're a lawyer and can't practice law outside the state without taking another bar exam. My husband and I both have demanding careers, and sometimes I feel like the more I try to plan out when we'll start a family, the more impossible it seems. I think the reality for me, and probably for a lot of women, is that there may never be a perfect time when you feel "ready," and everything is "set" to start a family. Life, and the working world, are not always accommodating. But I feel like there will come a time when we just decide we're ready to jump in, head first, and give it our best shot. I'm sure we won't have it all (or even most of it) figured out beforehand, and I'm sure we will struggle to find the right balance once we do start our family, but that's what keeps life interesting -- the challenge, right?

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  13. I'm only 21 years old and don't plan on making babies til I'm 27-30, but I do think that sometimes you just have to realize there is never an "ideal" time to have a baby. Of course, I understand that your situation is very tough, with what being apart and whatnot. I can't imagine raising kids that way, especially because you don't really know what you're gonna get in the military. I think that there's nothing terrible at all about starting your family at 34, but if that's too late for you, I think when the time comes, you will know it -- or it will happen sorta kinda maybe accidentally ;)

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  14. I don't envy your situation...heavy stuff and tough decisions. Like a few of your other commenters we've been silently struggling with infertility for 5 years...so my grand plans to have a baby at 30 after our careers were set have long been kicked to the curb. So prepare your plan in the best way that works for you both and then be prepared for life to throw you some curve balls (just to keep things interesting).

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  15. Oh lady... Thank you for this! It's such a life changing thing to think about and plan. I sometimes wish i had gotten pregnant when i was in my 20s and just gone with it. But no..we had to debate, discuss, put off. Now I'm 35 and well.. we just recently "pulled the goalie" so...we'll see how that goes.
    I still don't feel "ready: but, times a wastin!! You've got time, maybe things will fall into place. If not, waiting until your 34 won't be the worst thing in the world! ;)

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  16. I guess I didn't realize you were in the military. But thank you for your service to us to that!
    But reguards to your post, that was great to read your thoughts about issues that we, as women, go through. I can't speak from experience since I don't have children, but it's unforunate that timing is such an issue for you guys reguarding kids. It's hard to say what time is the best time you know? Gosh, that's not helpful! I guess I'm just writing in support. I've always believed that things happen for a reason, good or bad, and that whenever you guys choose to have kids, will be the perfect time for you guys. And hey, 34 isn't old for a kid down the line!
    Although it's funny that you spoke about this today. I was thinking about kids today, and I still don't know if I want any, but if I do, I was thinking how I'd have to act fast. I'm 27, but I'm not even close to even having a boyfriend, and here you are married, and you're having the same issues as I. Of course, your situation is different from mine. But still, it's a concidence.

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  17. First I want to say great post of your weekend date...loved the pictures...so bright and full of color! I need a fall date soon!

    I love this post because I was having the same "when is the right time" conversation with my bestie...it really all depends on what your priorities are. Just thinking about your time and planning makes you a wonderful parent already...because when the time comes...it will be the right time and you will be prepared. Unfortunately waiting after 30 always carries the risk of realizing infertility (because it is sooo common now). So because having kids is one of my life priorities I decided not to wait until after 30...but it really depends on career...schooling...money etc...

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  18. Thank you for this touching and honest post Em!

    My true belief is that there is almost never a good time to start trying and no one is ever 100% ready to become a parent. You sometimes just have to leave it up to our dear Lord - sounds ridiculous when there are so many things on the to do list and so many boxes to tick first but what if you struggle, what if age is against you later on in life, what if there are problems? Somehow, you will always make it work, whenever it does happen!

    We only wanted to start trying to fall pregnant after our 2 year wedding anniversary (and our little girl is already 6 months old) because we decided one evening that we would put it all in God's hands. Before this, we came up with endless excuses - when I finish studying, when I had taught for a few years, when hubby had a better job, when we had built our house, when we had full time help...

    But God had other plans. He blessed us with our gorgeous baby girl in the first month of trying to conceive and we wouldn't want it any other way! I had all day morning sickness throughout my final Post Grad exams (but I got straight distinctions), I could;t start teaching full time but I have spent a few days locus teaching, our help only arrived 2 months after she was born, our house will only be built after her first birthday and husband's job has changed and asked for more travel - BUT we have made it work and we love and adore our little family!
    x

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  19. And there was me thinking it was complicated for me and Mr J to even think about babies. We've got the lack of space - we became foster parents thing time last year after our friend became homeless and needed somewhere to stay - he's 13 now and he needed somewhere and we stood up to the play so to speak but that puts massive breaks on having babies.

    Then there's the whole job thing which is just the mother of all problems (well not because we believe that God will provide etc but sometimes it's really hard to believe it)

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  20. I'm really surprised at the age of 29 that I don't want kids. It's partly because my husband really really isn't ready and it's also because I like my life without kids. Do I want kids before 40? Sometimes I think I wil change my mind, sometimes I think I will live a happy and full life without kids. As the oldest of three girls, there is pressure but I don't care. I think if you want them, you have them. You'll know if it's the right time for you, even if it is just a gut feeling and everything else doesn't feel perfect.

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  21. I have thought the same before when it comes to possible deployments and wondering how on earth it would all work out and then... Realizing all of that is out of my control. If I've learned anything from military life, its that!

    I say go for it (:

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  22. If you deploy would they send your Hubs to the same place after his residency? I don't know much about the military at all, unfortunately.

    I replied to part two of this series, but I'll reply to this too.

    I had a plan. I was engaged to a Houston fire fighter (Houston, Texas if you are a Texan which I think you are from mentioning San Antionio) anyway.. we bought a beach house, I got accepted into Nursing school, we were going to get married the fall after I started school, then wait until I graduated to have babies, then work part time while he went to PA school and we'd live happily ever after in Galveston. Then I broke it off and I continued Nursing school. Then I met Mr. H, the cowboy, and we dated for 8 months and started talking about marriage. Neither of us wanted kids. I was driving back and forth to Amarillo, which was a 8 hour drive for me at least one weekend a month to see him. Suddenly, I was pregnant. I had 4 months of school left and thought "okay, I'll graduate and move to Amarillo with him and we'll get married sometime in between and then baby will be here.." Then I got preeclampsia 14 days before graduation and was flown to a hospital with a NICU. I was 29 weeks, kept on bed rest for 4 days, then had an emergency C-section because they couldn't keep my b/p under control and I was having these CRAZZZZZZZY headaches. It was awful. School was the furthest thing from my mind. I stayed in the NICU with my sweet 30 weeker, 2 pound 8 oz baby. Every day, all day for at least 16 hours. They wanted me to come back and finish school the week after she was born, but there was no way. Absolutely not. I ended up being off for 2 months with her after she came home, finally. Then I had to go back to school, 3 hours away from my Husband. It sucked,I was basically a single Mom for 2 months.

    Nothing happened as planned. Nothing. We ended up getting married at the JP. We are planning on having a small "real" ceremony sometime soon, but other things have taken over our schedule. I just kind of "learned to roll with it" .. Especially being in the NICU because everyday was different. Every Nurse/Doctor had different ideas and plans for her, so I kind of just learned to go with the flow.. I think it actually was a blessing for us. My Husband is not a planner/organizer and I.. well I like to have plan A,B,C and D. ;)

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  23. Um. How did we decide? I guess we forgot our goalie:) Found out I was pregnant with #1 right after being accepted to PA school. Oops. Baby #2 was born 3 weeks after PA graduation. Totally planned. And baby #3 was born between my husband's MSI & II years. Another oops!

    We got started by accident and just kept going I guess...

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