i posted a version of this post yesterday. and i took it down, after i realized that it's hard to share your experiences about medicine on the internet, with all the sharks and lawyers lurking around. especially when you're talking about how you're human, and you are capable of making mistakes.
it's a hard thing, to share my life without potentially implicating myself. so i reworked it a bit, and decided that some parts are still worth sharing. especially that Harlem Shake video. i mean...
it's a weird thing to realize that people who have much more experience than you do, are still capable of making the wrong decision. it's weird to learn the fallibility of your mentors. you end up feeling simultaneously more and less confident. more confident, because you learn that your hunches are worth trusting. less confident, because you learn that you're just as good, if not better, at times, than the person to whom you're directing all your questions. it's scary, because for the first part of residency, you look up to these mentors, thinking that they are the Holy Grail. that one day, you too will be as smart and wise as they. but the truth is, they're human too. just like you. just as capable of error.
one of the great things about residency is that it buys you this time. time to learn and make your mistakes while someone else is bearing the brunt of the responsibility. double-checking your work. co-signing your charts. the further i progress through residency, the more i don't want it to end. i crave this cushion, this little umbrella of protection i have. because all too soon, it's going to be just me. me and my decisions, and the patients we affect, hopefully for the better.
sorry the subject matter of this blog has taken a turn for the super heavy these past couple of weeks. to be honest, i've found myself incredibly thankful for this space, and for the exercise of sitting down to put words to my thoughts and emotions about the things i've encountered. y'all's feedback is incredible too. thank you so much for that. i even put on real clothes today (well, yesterday. when this post originally went up. today...pajamas). an outfit post could have been possible if i had a tripod, or a friend to take pictures for me. but alas, you're stuck with this morose drivel. maybe tomorrow i'll put up a Harlem Shake video or something.
oh what the hell. let's do it now.