|babies make bed rest better. especially Dexter.|
being put on bed rest for the past three weeks is not the worst thing that has ever happened to me. not by a long shot. but it's no walk in the park, to be sure. at least not for people like me. people who find things like "sitting still" difficult.
there have been incredibly challenging, emotional moments of crippling depression, flanked by moments of profound gratitude for how good i have it.
part of the challenge is enduring. ten months ago, when i was with my dad in the hospital, things happened quickly. on a monday, he had a stroke. tuesday, we flew to florida. by wednesday we knew he wasn't going to survive. thursday, we withdrew life support. friday, he died. a big part of the pain was dealing with the shock of it all. but there was mercy in how quickly it all happened. we were able to begin grieving.
this time, time is working against me. the weeks are short, but the days are so long. made longer by riding this roller coaster of emotions. up and down, over and over, all day long. joy. depression. fear. hope. grief. gratitude.
fear that, despite the bed rest, our baby will still be born too early. we know too much--are too familiar with all the possible complications. spending eleven years of your life learning medicine means you can't just unlearn everything you know about premature babies and the challenges they face. some babies do really well. some don't. we know about them both, and don't have the luxury of ignoring the horror stories.
hope that our little girl, with all her spunk and fire, will defy the odds. that she would thrive, no matter how early she's born. hope that she'll cook for a good while longer so she doesn't have to struggle.
grieving the loss of the pregnancy i had hoped to have. no one goes into pregnancy worrying about spending months on bed rest. until it happens to you. you worry about stretch marks. heartburn. childbirth. hemorrhoids. you worry about looking terrible in maternity clothes. but once you're sentenced to bed rest, all you can think about is all that you're missing out on. both in pregnancy and in life in general.
grateful for three more weeks than we had when we started. grateful for friends and strangers who have sent packages, food, movies...which have turned into smiles, warm fuzzies, hope. grateful that i'm active duty Air Force, that my entire hospital stay is covered, that i'm still getting a paycheck. grateful to have finally gotten next year's assignment--and that it's here, in San Antonio, where my husband will be. grateful that my bosses have faith in me and my abilities, and are helping me graduate with as little delay as possible. grateful for friends and family that are taking care of my husband and our dog. grateful for visitors, from near and far. grateful for no more contractions. grateful for 3D ultrasounds. grateful for a baby that is still growing...in utero.
there are still so many unknowns. the uncertainty is torture. my body has been wracked with sobs more times than i can count.
but when i stop to count my blessings and be thankful, it's undeniable. we're in good shape. and we are loved. so that's something.