the roller coaster

posted on: Tuesday, April 1, 2014


babies make bed rest better. especially Dexter.
being put on bed rest for the past three weeks is not the worst thing that has ever happened to me. not by a long shot. but it's no walk in the park, to be sure. at least not for people like me. people who find things like "sitting still" difficult.

there have been incredibly challenging, emotional moments of crippling depression, flanked by moments of profound gratitude for how good i have it.

part of the challenge is enduring. ten months ago, when i was with my dad in the hospital, things happened quickly. on a monday, he had a stroke. tuesday, we flew to florida. by wednesday we knew he wasn't going to survive. thursday, we withdrew life support. friday, he died. a big part of the pain was dealing with the shock of it all. but there was mercy in how quickly it all happened. we were able to begin grieving.

this time, time is working against me. the weeks are short, but the days are so long. made longer by riding this roller coaster of emotions. up and down, over and over, all day long. joy. depression. fear. hope. grief. gratitude. 

fear that, despite the bed rest, our baby will still be born too early. we know too much--are too familiar with all the possible complications. spending eleven years of your life learning medicine means you can't just unlearn everything you know about premature babies and the challenges they face. some babies do really well. some don't. we know about them both, and don't have the luxury of ignoring the horror stories.

hope that our little girl, with all her spunk and fire, will defy the odds. that she would thrive, no matter how early she's born. hope that she'll cook for a good while longer so she doesn't have to struggle. 

grieving the loss of the pregnancy i had hoped to have. no one goes into pregnancy worrying about spending months on bed rest. until it happens to you. you worry about stretch marks. heartburn. childbirth. hemorrhoids. you worry about looking terrible in maternity clothes. but once you're sentenced to bed rest, all you can think about is all that you're missing out on. both in pregnancy and in life in general. 

grateful for three more weeks than we had when we started. grateful for friends and strangers who have sent packages, food, movies...which have turned into smiles, warm fuzzies, hope. grateful that i'm active duty Air Force, that my entire hospital stay is covered, that i'm still getting a paycheck. grateful to have finally gotten next year's assignment--and that it's here, in San Antonio, where my husband will be. grateful that my bosses have faith in me and my abilities, and are helping me graduate with as little delay as possible. grateful for friends and family that are taking care of my husband and our dog. grateful for visitors, from near and far. grateful for no more contractions. grateful for 3D ultrasounds. grateful for a baby that is still growing...in utero. 

there are still so many unknowns. the uncertainty is torture. my body has been wracked with sobs more times than i can count. 

but when i stop to count my blessings and be thankful, it's undeniable. we're in good shape. and we are loved. so that's something. 

12 comments:

  1. I was thinking about you today :) So glad to read that things are good with you & yes, that your little one is 3 wks older & stronger.

    Take care Xx

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  2. I can only imagine what you are going through. It could be so much worse. And yet, it could be so much better. It's hard to be in that in between and to be stuck waiting. Every pregnant woman is in a season of waiting, yet most of them can stay busy and find ways to make the time go faster. You are stuck in a bed with a whole lot of time on your hands, which makes the waiting so much harder. Hang in there. Yes, there are horror stories. But there are also so many stories of hope. Hang on to those! Praying for you!

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  3. Hooray for another 3 weeks! She's already being a good girl, staying in there. :)

    I think it is important to grieve the loss of the pregnancy you thought you would have. Pregnancy is hard enough when it goes smoothly. I'm so glad your assignment for next year keeps you close to your husband and REALLY glad that in addition to everything you are going through, you don't have to through financial concerns on top of it.

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  4. So thrilled you get to stay in San Antonio! I've been thinking about you and hoping that things would work out okay from a placement/residency standpoint -- I know in the lay-world, you can only miss so much, but am so very happy the military is making it work for you! Keep on keeping on Em!

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  5. I hope the days go by a little quicker for you! I do love seeing your updates. I hope you continue to get good news!

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  6. So happy she is continuing to grow in utero! 3 weeks down lady - you both got this!!

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  7. You should read www.girlintheredshoes.com Today's post is about a mom who had triplet girls and was on bed rest at 22 weeks because she started to go into pre term labor. She delivered her girls at 34 weeks and they are now ten months old! She talked about how she spent her bed rest learning about breastfeeding.

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  8. Hang in there. Just think of the time in bed as time you are spending with your little one. You are growing a baby today... that is HUGE.

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  9. What a beautiful big belly and a beautiful 'mamma'!! I'm so happy that your girl is hanging in there! And you seem really happy - keep counting your blessings. Keep positive and feel loved,
    Anna

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  10. When my son was born at 31 weeks last May, I also mourned the loss of those last months of pregnancy. We were just at Babies R Us (for baby proofing stuff, ahhh!!) and I got sad when I saw the "Expectant Mother" parking spots. I never got to park in one of those. It's funny how emotions work.
    Anyhow, congrats on more days passing, and hoping the young lady stays put! I have been checking your blog and IG almost daily to see how things are going.

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  11. Hey there, just found your blog and have read it for an hour now - very fun! I´ll cross my fingers that everything works out as smoothly as possible with the bed rest and all. I had bed rest with both by kids though by another reason (severe pelvic girdle pain & sciatica) and it wasn´t the most fun months - but so worth it when they are done! :-) You´ve yourself a new follower from Sweden now! :-)

    http://tinajoathome.com/

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  12. Hey there Emily! So happy you are out of the hospital by now (looked at your Insta) but this post just breaks my heart... I pray that little girl stays in utero as long as she needs to be healthy and strong! I see you have such a positive attitude and that's something - keep on smiling. It's the best medicine

    Happy Medley Blog

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