homegoing

Keith Kreidel
January 13, 1959--May 17, 2013

my Daddy went to heaven last Friday.

i'm not ready to share all of the details yet. but maybe someday. you all know i tend to write what is on my heart, and this is something i will carry in my heart forever. suffice it to say, it'll come up at some point.

many of you prayed for a miracle, and i want you all to know...we got one.
the miracle is that we got to know and love my Dad. and feel his incredible love for us.
the miracle is that, though his stroke happened so suddenly, we were given time to process over the next four days...
time to begin to imagine life without him.
the miracle is that Dad never left anything unsaid, so we all knew how much he loved us.

i can't thank you all enough for your thoughts and prayers and words of encouragement.
this has been, without exaggeration, the most difficult experience of my life.
and though no one can make it better, knowing that you're all bearing this burden with me has made the bearing easier somehow.

a service and reception will take place tomorrow to celebrate my Dad's life. i'll be taking the next few days off to spend with my family. a few days may turn into a longer hiatus, but i'll be back when i'm ready.

with love...

p.s. sometimes, when your father dies, you get overwhelmed and forget to check your blog post for typos. and you put the wrong date. i fixed it now. oops. 

reeling

my dad had a huge stroke today.

He began to have a headache at work this morning, then lost vision in his left eye. He was evaluated for possible stroke at a hospital, (which was negative) and was discharged to an Ophtho clinic for further evaluation of his vision loss. While undergoing evaluation by Ophthalmology this afternoon, he completed his stroke: right facial droop, paralysis of his right side, and loss of speech.

He didn't recognize my mom.

EMS was called and he was transported to a stroke center. Imaging was done, to include a CT Angio which showed a massive clot from his left common carotid bifurcation up through the left middle cerebral artery.  They attempted to break up the clot with a medication called TPA. After the TPA, he recognized my mom, but was only intermittently following commands on his left side, with near total hemiparalysis of his right, and was still nonverbal. This evening, he was taken to the OR where interventional neuroradiology attempted a thrombectomy and possible stent placement. Their suspicion was (given his story and symptoms) that he had dissected his internal carotid artery, and the dissection caused the clot. The thrombectomy was unsuccessful. At this point, the Neuro team is considering hypothermia. I'm not sure what else. I'm waiting to hear from his doctors, but from the sounds of things, the prognosis is not good for a neurologic recovery.

My family is reeling. My brother and I are flying home tomorrow with our spouses to be with them.

I feel like my brain and my heart are at odds. My brain knows too much, and my heart is too hopeful.

If you are the praying type, please pray for my dad. I'm not even sure I even believe in miracles, but my dad does. And he needs one.


please forgive all the medical terminology. it's the best way i know how to tell the story.

lovebug

if i were following the Blog Every Day in May challenge, i'd be giving you a piece of advice today. 

but in all honesty? i get a little tired of giving advice all the time. 

elevate your foot. take motrin. then tylenol. this is what you can do to relieve your pregnant sciatica. try not to stab yourself in the neck. don't swallow butterfly pins. don't put erasers in your ear. quit smoking.  use a condom while you're on this antibiotic because it will make your birth control stop working.

you get the idea.

besides, May 8th is a very special day in my family's history.

it was the day Abby Noel was born.

we didn't know she even existed on the day she was born, in the back of an ambulance in Florida. we found out 2 days later, with a surprise phone call from our adoption social worker. 

it was the BEST surprise.

today she turns 14. and she is awesome.

girlfriend has some incredible style. and gets to change her hairstyle on the regular. she adores babies and they love her back. all the boys love her too, but she's too cool for any of them. 

she was mad at me for moving out and going to college. she was 3, and would say "i HATE college."

i'm not sure she ever fully got over that sentiment, because she would definitely rather shop than go to school. 

she has more guts than anyone i know. loves to travel. gets dirty without batting an eyelash. and dresses up on days she has nothing in particular to do. 

she is the last. the youngest. the baby of the family.

and she has been incredibly brave as she has hugged her sister and brother goodbye as we went off to grow up and move on. she still has two more to say goodbye to until it's her turn to grow up. it's not easy being the one left behind, but she has a personality big enough to handle it with incredible grace.

i've been gone for most of her life, but she's loved me fiercely the whole time. it makes me smile to know that i can always make her smile on the phone, and hear her smiling, no matter how bad of a mood she's in. it breaks my heart a little to realize i've had to watch her grow up from afar, but she's done such a beautiful job of becoming the woman she is.

so happy birthday to my pretty Buggy

you have made my life so rich, just by being you. 

what I do

unless you missed the large banner up there, it's no secret. i'm a doctor. technically, i'm a doctor in training. a resident. but i have a medical license (in the state of Nebraska...which i have never been to. interesting bit of trivia there.) and a DEA number and a stethoscope and a white coat and all the other things that make you a real doctor. i'm not board certified in anything yet. but i will be once i finish residency and take my emergency medicine boards.

and this may be somewhat surprising, but it's not always easy to admit that i'm a doctor.

first of all, i don't really look like one. even my patients all think i'm the nurse at first. (every. single. time. i introduce myself as the doctor, i get an eyebrow raise. without fail.) and when i'm outside the hospital, forget it. in Vegas last weekend, it got a little weird having conversations with people in clubs, because they inevitably ask what you do...then comes the awkward, "oh...really??" and then the conversation is usually over. some people even openly admit their intimidation by the fact that i'm a physician. and unless they've got a PhD in something, they usually move on. (this doesn't break my heart. i'm very very happily married. but it's an observation worth mentioning.) so it's awkward.

in fact, it's SO awkward, that i know people who won't even tell people they're a doctor. one of my friends just says she works in a hospital. another just says he's a resident. anything to avoid making other people uncomfortable.

but it makes me really uncomfortable to tell a lie of omission. to refrain from talking about what i do. as awkward as it is, i've worked a crazy long time to get where i am, and i'm proud of it. of myself. so if you ask me what i do, i'll tell you the truth: i'm a doctor. not to rub it in or shove it in your face, but just to be honest.

i've thought about this a lot over the past few weeks, and i think if i were to globally say what it is that i do, without using my job description, i'd tell you that i try my hardest to be the same person everywhere that i go.

to be honest.

i treat all my patients the same, whether they're retired 2-star Generals or homeless alcoholics. i treat my nurses and medics and clerks with the same respect i give my attending physicians. i use the same sarcastic tone with the commander of the hospital that i do with my colleagues (maybe a few less curse words. but definitely all of the sarcasm.). i put just as much effort into my friendships now as i did when i had way more time in undergrad. i'll tell you if you have something in your teeth, and i'll shed a tear in front of you if i'm having a particularly shitty day. if i've had a fight with my husband, i'll probably blog about it. and if he buys me a present from Tiffany's, i'll blog about that too.

one of the nurses i work with said to me the other day "this is why i like you dr. fleming...because you're the same person with everybody. no bullshit." and i think that might've been the best compliment i've ever received.

sometimes the hardest thing in the world is to just be who you are. but it's really the only person i know how to be. so that's what i do. be me. doctor and all.

nick snapped this one, seconds after i woke up on our return flight from Greece.

Story of my Life (in 250 words or less)

 The way my mom tells it, there were monkeys swinging outside the window on the day I was born. It was 110 degrees on January 3, 1984 in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. I've had a love affair with hot weather ever since. When I was 16, I fell in love with medicine on a mission trip to Guatemala. I sacrificed one for the other when I moved to Chicago for medical school. Turned out to be a good move, because that's where I fell in love with my husband, Nick. In the years surrounding my 3 great loves, I've moved 21 times, lived in 3 states and 2 countries, traveled to countless others, and turned out to be a relatively normal human, for someone who was homeschooled from 4th-12th grades. I've loved 2 brothers and 2 sisters since the days they were born, and learned to cornrow black baby girl hair. I managed to graduate from an Honors program at a university on the beach, and besides a stellar tan, walked away with the strongest and most treasured friendships of my life. Somewhere in there I was commissioned as an officer in the US Air Force, and now I'm training in the magnificent field of Emergency Medicine at a military hospital in Texas. With any luck, my future will hold more of the same, with a few more travels, a home to call our own, and some babies. Until then, you'll find me taking our dog to the dogpark, and cooking with a glass of wine in hand.

in between

the whirlwind tour that is my life continues on.
i finished a night shift at 8am yesterday, then immediately drove from Houston to San Antonio (and unfortunately, got a taste of the traffic you all were referencing. gross.)  i talked to my mom for over half the trip to stay awake. thanks for "driving me home", mom!

i got home to the unmistakable smell of cat piss, and was horrified to find that our cat, Ella, had peed on the couch. THE COUCH, of all places. the most impossible place to clean. i won't mention that she peed there because, while Nick had graciously (ha.) been cleaning out her litterbox, he had failed to add more litter to it, so there was a thin, saturated layer of litter clinging desperately to the bottom.
i wouldn't want to pee there either, Ella.

oh. and there was bleach on my new bathroom rug.

i cried a few tears in my over-exhausted state while i tried furiously to set my home right--with everything back where it should be--for most of the afternoon. finally i collapsed in a heap on the bed and passed. out. for a couple hours before Nick came home. i refrained from killing him, and actually even mustered the grace not to yell at him, and we managed to have a lovely evening together. which is good. because today i'm leaving again.

it is my third (and final) week of vacation for the academic year, and by god, i'm going to Vegas.

 

this weekend, i'll be living la vida loca in Las Vegas with my girls. Stacy, my residency bestie, and Rachel, my college roomie bestie, will both be there with me to hold me accountable. two of my worlds--residency and college--are colliding, and i can't wait to see what happens. we have dinner reservations every night. plans to bake by the pool every day. and maybe do a little Vegas clubbing in between. maybe. (;

then on Monday, i fly from Vegas to Atlanta, where two of my other besties are currently cuddling newborns that i get to meet for the very first time: my goddaughter Lorelai, and sweet baby Judah. it'll be so good to see babies that i can actually cuddle (cuddling patients is somewhat frowned upon), that are healthy, and are the embodiment of my dearest friends. i might even get to babysit. (!!)

the two extremes of this trip have made me laugh on multiple occasions. it seems like such a drastic contrast to go from the Vegas strip to visiting newborns. but it's kind of a perfect description for where i am in life these days: somewhere between Vegas and a baby.

i almost don't want to go. my home is so cozy and it feels so good to be here. it'll mean missing my love for another week and living out of yet another suitcase. throwing routine out the window. i know it it will be good to go.
blow off some steam. reconnect with my favorites.
and it will make it even sweeter to come back home.

see you next week!

butterflies

i just came off one of those weekends that makes it really hard to start your week.
Nick was here. and gosh i'd missed him.
he'd been having a really rough time at home without me.
he and Waylon were at odds. Waylon was acting out because he wasn't getting the attention he's used to. and Nick was overwhelmed.
then he lost a patient. suddenly. without warning.
as a doctor, it hurts to lose patients. you miss them, and you mourn their death like any person would.
but there is also that fear. that worry that you did or didn't do something that could have attributed to their death.
he was struggling.

and i was struggling too. missing him. not being able to communicate as well as I'd like with him because of conflicting schedules, and the phone just not measuring up to face-to-face time. (there was no FaceTime either, due to my lack of internet.)

then i started reading Lean In. oh boy. get ready for my take on this one. i'm still working my way through, but i've found myself highlighting and underlining something on every other page. i'm still not sure on whose side i'll land--Anne-Marie Slaughter vs Sheryl Sandburg--or if i'm even taking a side. but this stuff has got my wheels turning.

we've both had our wheels turning, him and I. and it was just so good to be able to talk about all those things face to face, as we took ourselves on a whirlwind culinary tour of Houston. he's my favorite person to eat with, that man. no one enjoys a good meal quite like we do.

if you're keeping track, we ate at Oishii Friday night (he got in late...so we just grabbed quick bite), followed by Down House for brunch on Saturday morning, and The Pass & Provisions Saturday night. Sunday we grabbed brunch at Batanga and then Nick wanted sushi again on his way out of town at Sushi Wabi.

true to form, we didn't take too many photos. in truth, i felt like if i started in on the kissy selfies, i wouldn't know when to stop. he still gives me butterflies.

maybe it's a blessing that we spend so much time apart? it keeps things as fresh as the day i met him. our relationship is far from perfect, but i'm thankful that we're both still so motivated to make it work. make it better. to make it.

for your listening pleasure, here's what's been playing nonstop in the soundtrack in my head:


apropos, no?