this may seem unnecessary, given that i have always been a sporadic blogger at best. but despite my predictable lack of consistency, i feel the need to formally let myself off the hook for a little while. the hormone surges of the postpartum period have left me reeling these past few days. anyone who knows me, or who has read this blog for any period of time, knows that i'm not at all uncomfortable with feeling all the feelings. but it's a little tough for me to feel all the feelings...all at once.
the past few days have been filled with both indescribable joy, and heavy, oppressive grief. with paralyzing fear and anxiety, alongside total confidence in my abilities as a mother. with feeling totally alone, all the while seeing and appreciating how incredibly supportive my husband has been. and worst of all, i feel torn between feeling like i need to tackle my inbox and handle some work responsibilities remotely, and the ever-present knowledge that my time with Lyla before i go back to work is so, so brief. i am trying desperately to soak it all up, remember every expression, every movement, to notice every change and watch her grow, to memorize her face. i can't wipe the smile off my face when i look at her, and i cry hot, heavy tears every time i think about my daddy missing all this.
i worry that i'm not taking enough pictures, that i'm not sharing enough with friends and family that are far away. but i also am remiss to get behind the lens of a camera when it feels impossible to take my eyes off of her.
this space has always been a kind of retreat for me. a place where i can come when i'm ready to process, where i can write things out so they make sense. and i know i will return here when i'm ready to write about how this tiny little girl has made my life and my heart feel so full. but for now, it's all so overwhelming. i just need to let myself off the hook for a few weeks. so i can soak it all up and store it away in my heart before i feel any pressure to share it with anyone else.
i'll still be overgramming like crazy on the gram of the insta, and i'd love for you to follow along. i just need some time.
you understand. (: