giddyup

us.
at the San Antonio rodeo.

where i learned that i picked up a lot more in 4-H 

than i thought i had

i'm practically a rodeo expert.

you can catch me and my favorite song

over here today

so i didn't get Saturday AND Sunday off.

i got Saturday off.

and while it wasn't enough...

it was still wonderful.

outfit post: in pieces

life in the ICU is crazy, y'all.

i've been working like a dog for 14 hours a day

keeping people alive and taking names

battling the ever-hostile Internal Medicine environment

and dealing with a barrage of venomous hatred directed toward Emergency Medicine at large

primarily being channeled through me.

yay.

basically they hate my guts.

best working atmosphere imaginable, right?

but press on, i must.

tonight i start nights.

so i went to lunch with a friend

(read: i actually got dressed.)

 this is the second time i've worn my wellies on a blustery day

that has actually turned out to be pretty sunny.

and warm.

leaving me looking ridiculous in my rain boots.

awesome.

oh hey there

i'm forced to take self-portraits

because my husband is all snap, snap, i'm out.

he takes like 1.5 crappy pictures and then refuses to take any more.

and don't worry.

your eyes aren't bad. these are just out of focus.

apparently i take crappy pictures too.

oh well.

here's what i'm wearing, if you're curious:

wellies- Hunter; cords- Gap; sweater/ruffled shirt/belt- J.crew

(can you tell this is my favorite sweater?)

i'm grumpy today.

i'm not looking forward to living like a vampire all week.

grrr.

happy LOVE day

it's Valentine's Day boys and girls.

a day to celebrate LOVE

and those we share it with.

sounds delightful, no?

or not.

most of my life, 

i managed to be out of a relationship right around this blessed holiday

some of my friends more aptly referred to it as

"single awareness day"

even now that i'm married

and more in love than ever

sometimes V-day is less than dreamy.

"it's a Hallmark holiday", sayeth the husband,

as he refuses to acknowledge its meaning

and thus,

we have spent many a Valentine's day

fighting.

so if you're in the same boat

here's a less-than-sappy song

two versions of it, in fact.

and i can't decide which one i like better

the original?

or the cover?

his voice is so haunting

but i love watching Ingrid sing

and the way she plays all those instruments?

i just can't decide.

can you?

happy LOVE day.

if no one has told you yet that they love you today,

i do.

a jaunt in the snow

not too long ago

we journeyed to the arctic north...and west

after 7 balmy months in South Texas

the Rockies were calling our names

view of Breckenridge from our balcony

Colorado...represent

we did a little snowboarding

if you feelin like a pimp, go on brush ya shoulders off 

sideways goggles are THE latest

me and Susanna rocked those greens.

taken from my phone. in my pocket. serendipitous, no?

 the mountain sort of thrashed me

and my bum.

so i took days off in between...

mountain smooches

 for kissing...

action shot

 and jumping...

the trick to staying warm is to wear as many clothes as possible...

 and street modeling...

the doctors fleming, ladies and gentlemen

boys in flannel

boys in flannel, plus Dave: the man who pulled it all together

the Rockies...made more beautiful by Susanna and Elizabeth

the girls

the purpose of our trip

yes. he bought it. 

 animal beanies.

oh your baby wears one?

so does my husband.

just putting it all out there, eh?

modeling my new RayBans

we went to Breck to shred some gnarly pow

and to hang out with these lovely people 

Susanna+Kenny, together forever

awkward kissy photos are the best 

appropriately attired in Aztec garb

Mike and Elizabeth, fellow Texans. new friends. love them.

Dave, my fellow MICU commiserator, and his lady Meghan...with us in spirit

it's me!

we had a fantabulous time

as i think you can tell.

a little snow never hurt anybody

well that's a lie.

i hurt for a week after we got back.

thursday night dinner

oh hey there.

 last night i made dinner.

delicious, no?

 i mustered up the energy in my post-operative recovery state

and whipped up some delicious Linguine alla Vongole

(linguine with clams)

"there are 3 lemons. i asked for 12. baby wanted 12."

when a recipe calls for wine, what to do with the rest of the bottle?...

he makes me happy.

dishing it up

taking care of me.

 we've been trying to replicate this recipe

holy seafood.

 from our trip to Kos last summer

and i think we're almost there

last night's was delectable.

even though the fresh parsley i was SURE that we had already

turned out to be cilantro once we got home from the grocery store

so we used dried parsley.

not the same.

here we are at Nick the Fisherman's in Kos Town

look how tan and happy and bald (Nick) we are.

[fact: i wore the same earrings today that i was wearing in that picture.]

thank you all for your concern about my surgery.

it was super minor.

excision of a mole that had a (low) suspicion for malignancy

but that doesn't mean it hurts minorly.

procedures involving any part of the rib cage are the worst.

you can't move, or breathe, or cough, or sneeze

without excruciating pain.

awesome.

and today i start my MICU rotation.

i miiiight have had a minor nervous breakdown last night.

and by might, i clearly mean, definitely did.

wish me luck.

role reversal

today, i traded in my Superman skivvies

for my Clark Kent alter ego.

in other words, i went from being the doctor

to being the patient.

this morning i got up

put on my scrubs

made my coffee

and went to work

i spent my day 

consulting orthopedics for the tibia/fibula fracture

then later for the hip fracture

sent the baby boy (who was aggressively head-banging in his high chair to the point of needing stitches) home

then i intubated one patient

did an ultrasound on another one looking for free fluid in their belly

waited for the MICU to answer my page

(which never happened. stupid MICU.)

and i also ate lunch.

a totally unrelated photo of me drinking champagne from the bottle. class class class.

then i raced out of work

jumped on the highway

and drove to *another* hospital

checked in

and hopped up on the exam table

next thing i know,

i'm signing consent forms

on the line marked "patient"

getting prepped

and draped

and shot up with local anesthetic

being asked, "does this hurt?"

(yes.)

"are you comfortable?"

(no.)

"we're done. wanna see?"

(not really.)

then i'm having a pressure dressing placed

and being given specific instructions

not to get it wet for 48 hours

or drink alcohol for 48 hours

or work out for one week

then i'm picking up prescriptions

and driving myself home

to a hubby-cooked meal

and a warm fire in the fireplace.

now i'm all hopped up on tylenol

and struggling with saran wrap and duck tape in the shower 

(to keep my dressing dry...note: this method is not effective. lesson learned.)

trying to look pitiful

so the huz will keep waiting on me hand and foot.

...

for the record,

i much prefer it on the stethoscope-wearing side of the table.

being a patient is less than fun.

also for the record,

you all are amazing.

and you say the nicest, most wonderful things.

thank you...from the apex of my left ventricle

(that's "bottom of my heart" in layman's terms.

i just made it up.

now you have a new way to say iloveyou to your honey.

just in time for V-day.

you're welcome.)

the glamorous life of a doctor

[via]

lately i haven't felt much like blogging.

over the past few weeks
a lot of the bloggers i read have all been experiencing the same existential crisis
blogging was becoming addicting
and then it was this great global connector that served to build incredible friendships
and then it was driving a wedge between husbands and wives
and for me, it was a reminder that i exist outside of the internet
and need to focus on my "real" life too

all of this discussion made me respect and admire the bloggers i read even more.
i loved them for taking the time to live well-examined lives
and for articulating it all so beautifully for all to savor
i love the relationships i've built, and the people i've met,
and i've loved sharing in their stories.
i've loved having my friends and family say, "loved your blog post today"
it felt good to be part of the internet community in my own little way.

but.

then the bad thoughts began.
i'm type A.
comparison is the name of my game.
and oh did i ever compare.
my blog didn't have as many followers as hers (most bloggers are ladies. it's a fact.)
my post didn't get as many comments as hers
should i have replied directly to that comment?
am i making my followers feel ignored by choosing not to respond to them?
should i be investing more time into blogging?

i felt completely unoriginal
unsuccessful
and redundant.

not to mention the flak i began to get from friends of mine who thought blogging was odd.

i'm sure i'm not alone in these thoughts and feelings
but at this juncture, maybe a little perspective would be helpful:
i'm an intern.
an Emergency Medicine intern.
my whole life is about people telling me how i need to be better
read more. study more.
try not to kill anyone. (no pressure.)
do this procedure THIS way, not that way.
"you're a danger to yourself and most of your patients" (yes. that happened.)
stand in the middle of a group of 20 people and answer this question immediately before someone yells at you or makes fun of you for not knowing (this happens daily.)
i'm constantly reminded of how far i have to go.
my superiors are constantly putting me in my place.
putting me down.

not to mention,
i'm an Air Force Officer.
they own me.
they tell me what to wear.
how to wear my hair.
which nail polish i can wear.
how much makeup i can wear.
how to walk. WHERE to walk.
when to stand, sit, pee, salute.
creativity and individuality is not an option.

[i tried to get creative with an outfit on a day i was allowed to wear civvies
and it did not go over well.
let's just say the military and i have very different definitions of "business casual"
and that i'll be wearing my uniform from now on]

it just got to be too much.
i couldn't stand to be beating myself up about blogging
when i was getting beat up from so many other angles.
the blog used to be a place for me to be a creative individual
when the military wouldn't let me express that side of myself
but eventually i began to get paranoid that getting inspiration from other bloggers
was beginning to look a lot like plagiarism
and the vicious cycle repeated itself: unoriginal, unsuccessful, etc.

so i took a hiatus.

i don't know if you missed me,
but i missed you.
and i'm thankful for the few who've asked me where i've been
and encouraged me to come back.
i'd like to think i would've been brave enough to come back regardless of what you think
but it sure feels nice to be wanted.

did you know that doctors feel small too?
well, we do.
at least this one does.