the glamorous life of a doctor

[via]

lately i haven't felt much like blogging.

over the past few weeks
a lot of the bloggers i read have all been experiencing the same existential crisis
blogging was becoming addicting
and then it was this great global connector that served to build incredible friendships
and then it was driving a wedge between husbands and wives
and for me, it was a reminder that i exist outside of the internet
and need to focus on my "real" life too

all of this discussion made me respect and admire the bloggers i read even more.
i loved them for taking the time to live well-examined lives
and for articulating it all so beautifully for all to savor
i love the relationships i've built, and the people i've met,
and i've loved sharing in their stories.
i've loved having my friends and family say, "loved your blog post today"
it felt good to be part of the internet community in my own little way.

but.

then the bad thoughts began.
i'm type A.
comparison is the name of my game.
and oh did i ever compare.
my blog didn't have as many followers as hers (most bloggers are ladies. it's a fact.)
my post didn't get as many comments as hers
should i have replied directly to that comment?
am i making my followers feel ignored by choosing not to respond to them?
should i be investing more time into blogging?

i felt completely unoriginal
unsuccessful
and redundant.

not to mention the flak i began to get from friends of mine who thought blogging was odd.

i'm sure i'm not alone in these thoughts and feelings
but at this juncture, maybe a little perspective would be helpful:
i'm an intern.
an Emergency Medicine intern.
my whole life is about people telling me how i need to be better
read more. study more.
try not to kill anyone. (no pressure.)
do this procedure THIS way, not that way.
"you're a danger to yourself and most of your patients" (yes. that happened.)
stand in the middle of a group of 20 people and answer this question immediately before someone yells at you or makes fun of you for not knowing (this happens daily.)
i'm constantly reminded of how far i have to go.
my superiors are constantly putting me in my place.
putting me down.

not to mention,
i'm an Air Force Officer.
they own me.
they tell me what to wear.
how to wear my hair.
which nail polish i can wear.
how much makeup i can wear.
how to walk. WHERE to walk.
when to stand, sit, pee, salute.
creativity and individuality is not an option.

[i tried to get creative with an outfit on a day i was allowed to wear civvies
and it did not go over well.
let's just say the military and i have very different definitions of "business casual"
and that i'll be wearing my uniform from now on]

it just got to be too much.
i couldn't stand to be beating myself up about blogging
when i was getting beat up from so many other angles.
the blog used to be a place for me to be a creative individual
when the military wouldn't let me express that side of myself
but eventually i began to get paranoid that getting inspiration from other bloggers
was beginning to look a lot like plagiarism
and the vicious cycle repeated itself: unoriginal, unsuccessful, etc.

so i took a hiatus.

i don't know if you missed me,
but i missed you.
and i'm thankful for the few who've asked me where i've been
and encouraged me to come back.
i'd like to think i would've been brave enough to come back regardless of what you think
but it sure feels nice to be wanted.

did you know that doctors feel small too?
well, we do.
at least this one does.

a lil outfit post

a couple of you

(okay, maybe more like one of you...)

said i should do more outfit posts.

i was flattered.

and also all, dude. i put on real clothes like, once a week.

but last night was one of those times.

so i took pikchas.

jacket: anthro

shirt: J.crew

pants: anthro

necklace: F21

shoes: Jimmy Choo

lips: MAC pencil in Vino

still haven't figured out how to convince the hubs to take pictures of me

hence all the slightly awkward self portraits.

in light of that, 

my request that he do a vlog with me was pretty stupid.

one day, we watched Meg+Stephen's vlog

and i asked him, "would you ever do a vlog with me?"

and he was like "hmmm. maybe?? it'd have to be about something fun."

me: "what's fun?"

him: "sex is fun."

this is SO not that kind of blog.

so we might be lightyears away from seeing Nick's Cali dimple scruffy face live on video

but i, personally, am not opposed to vlogging.

but about what?

ideas?

questions?

help me.

help me, help you.

some recipes

a couple of you asked for the cake recipe.

lemon raspberry cake

i'm an obliging girl.

here ya go:

*1 cup shortening (I used Crisco.)

*2 cups sugar

*4 eggs

*3 cups sifted cake flour (I just used all-purpose flour. And couldn't tell a difference.)

*2 1/2 tsps baking powder

*1/2 tsp salt

*1 cup milk

*1 tsp almond extract

*1 tsp vanilla extract

*10 tbsp seedless raspberry preserves (give or take)

Preheat oven to 375.

Beat the shortening well. Gradually add sugar to shortening while beating well. Add eggs one at a time, while continue to beat well. Combine the flour, baking powder and salt. Add to the creamed mixture alternately with the milk. Begin and end with flour. Finally, add the almond and vanilla extracts.

Bake in 3 greased and floured 8 or 9 inch round cake pans at 375 degrees for 18-20 minutes until golden. Cool in pans for 10 minutes, then remove from pans and cool completely on wire racks. Split each cake in half horizontally (creating 6 total layers). Spread each layer with approximately 2 Tbsp of the raspberry preserves.

Note: I used non-seedless raspberry preserves because I had it handy. It really doesn't make that huge of a difference. You'll just find yourself picking a few seeds out of your teeth. If you're making this cake for a new crush, maybe stick to the seedless. 

Lemon Buttercream Icing:

1 1/4 cup softened butter

2 tsp grated lemon rind

3 tbsp lemon juice

3 cups sifted powdered sugar

Let the butter sit out until it's soft (if you try to cheat and microwave it, it'll require a lot more powdered sugar to get the icing the right consistency), then add lemon rind and lemon juice and combine. Add sifted powdered sugar little by little and beat until smooth.

**Couple more notes. I've only made homemade icing a couple other times in my life, and it's been years. I couldn't remember exactly which consistency the icing was supposed to be to make it actually STAY on the side of the cake. (if it's too runny, it'll just slide down the side of the cake.) PLUS, I used a lemon that my little brother sent me from his lemon tree...so no pesticides. I don't know if the lemon had anything to do with it, but I had to use way more than 3 cups of powdered sugar to get the icing the right consistency. And still I jumped the gun and ended up with icing running down the sides of my cake. So my point is, give the icing a little tender loving care. And good luck. Mine was a big fat failure, so I got nothing. 

none of you asked for this next recipe.

how could you?

you didn't even know it existed.

you're welcome. 

grilled citrus tuna steak

from another angle. (:

*two 4-6 oz. tuna steaks

*pinch of salt and pepper

*3 Tbs. extra-virgin olive oil, divided

*2 Tbs. soy sauce

*1 tsp. freshly minced ginger

*2 cloves garlic, minced

*1/2 cup chopped cilantro

*juice of 1 lime, plus the zest

*1 tsp. sugar

*1/2 avocado, thinly sliced

*4 cups spinach

Season both sides of the tuna steaks with salt and pepper. 

In a small bowl, whisk together 2 Tbs. EVOO, soy sauce, ginger, garlic, cilantro, lime juice, zest, and sugar. Add the fish and marinate for at least 2 hours in the fridge.

In a small skillet, heat the last Tbs of oil. Add the spinach and wilt slightly. Season with salt and pepper. Remove form heat and set aside.

Remove the steaks from the marinade and sear for 2 minutes on each side. Keep it rare in the center.

Pour the remaining marinade into a small saucepan and reduce until it becomes thick, 2 minutes.

Top the wilted spinach with the grilled fish, followed by the sliced avocado and drizzle the reduction on top.

thank you foodgawker.

enjoy!

email me if you have any questions.

dirty thirty

yesterday the flemings reached a milestone.

one of us turned 30.

and it was not me. 

bwahahahaha

(i'm so gonna get it when i turn 30)

i worked the 3p-11p shift on Sunday night

so i was sleeping when Nick woke up at 6am to get ready for work

...or so he thought...

we ended up getting a Sonos music system for Christmas

and the great thing about it is that you can control your music wirelessly via your iPhone

from any room in the house

like the bedroom

while Nick is in the kitchen making coffee

and you can blast Tim McGraw's "My Next Thirty Years"

at 6am.

not saying i did that.

just saying i could

...

birthday cake

i baked him a cake. 

incidentally, i was skyping Megan whilst baking,

and i believe that i belittled her very existence in my act of domestication,

as evidenced by the following tweet:

oops.

i can't help it that i'm equal parts domestic goddess and driven career-woman

and if you believe that,

then you haven't been reading this very long.

but i digress.

Nick got off work early

and came home to be surprised by his cake

which we did not immediately delve into

because we were headed for lunch

italian wine is the prettiest. (and the driest amiright?)

we went to Dough 

when given the choice between sparkling or still, we ALWAYS sparkle.

 Dough is an amazing Napolitano pizzeria

and hidden gem in San Antonio

that also makes their own mozzarellas and burratas

winter burrata, with leeks, baby portobellos, and pancetta

cannellini bean soup

crack bread. it's addicting.

their oven. brought over on a ship. from Naples, Italy. blam.

oh hey.

we had a delightful lunch

because I had to work again at 3pm

sads. 

self-timer self portraits are the best. 

it wasn't ideal

but around here, these days, we take what we can get.

*love*

and sometimes, what you can get, is cake. 

lemon raspberry cake with lemon buttercream frosting

so Nick, if you're reading this (which you rarely do),

i'm so proud of who you're becoming

and i genuinely believe you are the most handsome 30-year-old to walk this earth.

you have so many gifts and talents

and you love me so well.

i feel incredibly blessed to walk through life with you

and i can't wait to see what the next 30 years hold.

happy birthday!

matters most

have we talked about my love for the Avett Bros?

either way,

it bears repeating.

a lil' something for you to listen to while you read...

so Nick came home on Sunday.

color me delighted.

but now he's sick.

probably (read: most definitely) from ringing in 2012 a little too robustly.

i failed to pictorially document our blessed reunion.

but i will tell you this:

he got a tattoo.

it travels down the right side of his torso

(along what persons such as myself might call the mid-axillary line)

and it reads: "as it was in the beginning is now and ever shall be. amen."

from this prayer:

Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit,

as it was in the beginning, is now and ever shall be, world without end. Amen.

which i think is beautiful.

and is also, as it turns out, one hell of an aphrodisiac.

and that is all i have to say about that.

what else has been going on?

i've been designing my research protocol for the past two weeks

during the...drumroll please...Intern Research Course

i'll be curing AIDS, then cancer

thankyouverymuch.

seriously though,

it's a study looking at how well Emergency Physicians are able to detect wooden foreign bodies using ultrasound.

wake up.

you fell asleep.

so i won't be winning any Nobel prizes.

at least I'll be able to graduate.

maybe get my name on a paper or something.

[via]

there's been a bit of a movement in the blogosphere

i'm not sure where it started,

but i caught wind of it via E and Jenni

to sum up,

blogging can be addicting.

people are ignoring their kids and their husbands in favor of attending to their blogs.

i've fallen prey to this too.

(obviously not too hard,

as anyone who has grown accustomed to my sporadic posting habits and nonexistent comment-reply protocol can attest.)

but still.

we all crave the community we can build with our blogs.

it's incredibly gratifying.

but there's more to life.

MUCH more.

and while the blogging community is shrinking the world in a truly remarkable way

and the friendships formed in it are genuine and real,

we all have "real" lives

with families and friends and spouses and kiddos and coworkers

...and--if you're me--patients...

right in front of our faces

daily.

and maybe *they* are what matter most?

what am i taking away from all this?

i'm using it as an excuse to continue with my status quo.

it's been sanctioned now.

kidding.

but seriously.

when i start to feel guilty about neglecting my blog

because i've been studying for my ER inservice exam...

or reading about Emergency Medicine...

or completing one of my bajillions of assignments that come with residency...

or writing a research protocol that could change the face of medicine...

(okay that will never happen. let it go.)

or treating patients..

or, most importantly, hanging out with my husband...

i'm going to stop

(feeling guilty, that is)

because i'm reminded that it's not all that important.

this began as a form of catharsis for me.

and a form of catharsis it shall remain.

no more.

no less.

but i still love you all.

and treasure your words and your blogs.

don't stop doing what you're doing.

you're making the world a cozier and more beautiful place.

a few

i was bad about taking photos this holiday season.

go ahead, slap my hand.

here's a few of my faves.

the broheim and his lady.

i wuz there.

present for my mama. she likes red.

hungry beast.

a face i grew up with most of my life.

pretty sissy.

an old cuban. did the job nicely. 

 those first images were from my trip home to FL.

i feel bad that i left out half my family in these pics.

but in my defense, i was recovering from food poisoning.

blam.

now, we go back to Tejas.

mistletoe is a necessity.

christmas cards. LOVE getting them. (hint hint)

you need Cowboy boot stockings in Texas.

but you must also remember your roots. with a flamingo. unofficial FL state bird.

welcome to our house!

be proud of me. i hung wedding pictures.

more bars...in more places.

lights

find the pickle...

ella's stocking.

it's a charlie brown-ish christmas in this house.

my Xmas eve view: hubby, kitty, a fire, and It's a Wonderful Life. and it is.

i don't know if i made this clear,

but Nick's out of town.

this is his vacay week. which is clearly different from my vacay week.

and that, my friends, is unfortunate.

(it's also a long story)

i was thinking about it though...

Nick and I have been together for 5 holiday seasons now.

and we've only spent one New Year's Eve together.

and we've NEVER spent an NYE together since we got married.

next year....

next year.

anyway.

it flat-out sucked not having him here for my birthday.

yesterday i was suffering from post-bday blues.

i missed my huz.

i felt old (no thanks to my sibbies, who daily remind me that i'm ancient).

i felt lonely coming home to an empty house.

and frankly, i missed the attention.

there.

i said it.

today was much better.

mostly because i bought new jeans.

and because i began my day to this jam:

what have we learned from this video?

VS models can't dance.

that sh*t cray.

28

[via]

today is my birthday.

28 years old.

last year, i celebrated finding love

i got married

with two ceremonies in Italy

then we celebrated stateside six weeks later

so it really felt like we were getting married all year.

this year, i celebrated finding myself.

i matched into an Emergency Medicine residency

and am now fulfilling a 12-year dream of becoming a doctor

i work in place where i am challenged daily,

praised for my performance,

and encouraged to be even better.

i have a husband that i am deeply in love with

who isn't threatened by my success

but instead thrives on it

and spurs me on towards excellence

and is there for me, understanding, at the end of a long day

we support each other

and cherish the little time we get to spend together.

it's a beautiful and rare time that i know i'll always look back on and be thankful for.

i have a family that loves me,

knows where i've come from,

and has given me freedom to pursue my dream

even though it means they have to miss me a lot of the time.

i have friends all over the country

who love me from a distance

and give me excuses to travel all over to visit them

and who are constantly telling me they believe in me

it's priceless.

i am part of a community of bloggers

who are incredibly supportive

of me pouring forth my stream of consciousness onto the internet

and echo many of my hopes and fears

making the world feel smaller and more cozy.

i love that.

[via]

27 was a phenomenal year of coming into my own

in so many ways.

i have more confidence than i've ever had

and a peace that comes with knowing that i'm exactly where i'm supposed to be

doing what i was created to do

loving who i was intended to love.

28,

you have some big shoes to fill

here's to you.

make me proud.

cheers, darlin

new year's eve: what i wore

i can't even believe it's 2012.

all night last night i was writing "01Jan2012" on all my dr's orders

and it was totally tripping me out.

my birthday is tomorrow.

28...get ready for me.

usually the new year is a time for me to reflect on the year behind me

and contemplate hopes and dreams for the year ahead

since the new year and the next year of my life have their onset at pretty much the same time

i get all moody and sentimental and deep

(which, let's be honest, isn't all that great of a departure from my norm)

but...

i haven't had time to wallow in contemplation much thus far in '12

i've been working 12-hr night shifts

and the world is a blur.

i did have NYE off though.

so, naturally, i night-owled it up and tried to stay on my night shift schedule

 i had to, amiright?

hey there

i'll be honest

i got fancy drunk on NYE

the drunkenness wasn't all that out of the ordinary

but the fanciness was.

exhibit A. 

blazer: Elizabeth & James.

 dress: Sheri Bodell. 

nails: "the full monty" Butter London. 

lips: MAC "chance encounter" and "red enriched"  

shoes: jessica simps

me and my date for the evening, my residency bff Stacy (:

it was a fun night.

now LAST night,

back at work...

there was this crazy patient

who got hisself stabbed in the neck

he rolled in all slumped over the stretcher

not breathing

then he came to and started screaming about his leg hurting?

anyways.

his blood pressure was crazy-low

so they gave him meds so we could intubate.

and then i did.

always a pleasure, that intubation.

how i love it.

luckily,

i remembered to sterilize all the blood off my stethoscope

since my next patient was a 5 day old baby.

crazytown.

now leave me some love.

i'm going to get some sleep

so i can wake up and get ready to turn 28.